Words From Madea and Uncle Joe

• Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I told you, you don't know how to lie. What kinda lawyer don't know how to lie? Lie and lawyer go together lie-awyer... lie-awyer!
• Mable 'Madea' Simmons: You know I only go to church for two reasons, weddings and funerals, which one we gonna have today?
• Mable 'Madea' Simmons: the best revenge you can get on a person who tells you something like that, is to prove them wrong.
  Joe: Best way to get revenge on someone like that is to kick their butt.
• Mable 'Madea' Simmons: [advice to Vanessa and Lisa about what to do with a bad man] Cook a big pot of grits, bring him into the kitchen, then toss the grits on him. Then after you toss them, swat him with a frying pan. You gotta get you a good balanced weight, toss and swat, toss and swat, Venus and Serena, that's called grit ball.
• Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Joe. Did that thing just push you?
  Joe: Sho did. She don't know about us. We Baptist. We tear this place up.
  Mable 'Madea' Simmons: Girl, I will set it off up in here. I will do a drive-by in this church. She don't know me. You better be glad you at church. Jesus just saved your life, Hallelu-yer!
• Joe: I was hoping they would lock you the hell up.
  Mable 'Madea' Simmons: The only thing locked up around here is your bowels. Now shut the hell up.
• Joe: We don't want it. Return to sender
  Mable 'Madea' Simmons: I remember I sent you somewere too and you came back with something. It still itching?
  Joe: Yo' momma. Aw hell that's my momma too
• Madea: Okay Toni, this is your problem... Madea told Toni to go upstairs... 13 stairs... and call 10 digits to get some help with her homework. Toni said she aint doin' it, set back on the couch, folded 2 of her arms and rolled 2 of her eyes. Madea grabbed Toni by 2 of her ankles, dragged her upstairs, hitting her head on every step. How many bruises will little Toni have by the time she gets to the emergency room at Grady Hospital?
• Madea: If you don't back the hell up off me, I'ma beat you like the dude you look like!
• Madea: Ride or die, fool! Ride or die!
• Madea: Judges got a real attitude with me, they took me to the judge and he said "I'm sick of seeing you", I said "I'm sick of seeing you too". He said "Don't be getting smart with me", I said "I've been smart, I'm just getting here". He said "Say one more thing", I said "Go to hell", he said "Go to jail".
• Joe: [watching Madea butter her house arrest bracelet] You know, I was watching the Animal Planet channel and they say that when a coyote is trapped, it will eat its own foot off to get out of the trap. You want some hot sauce? In your case it wouldn't be a coyote, it would be an elephant. A big old giraffe.
  Madea: Say one more thing, Joe. [click of gun]
  Madea: Say one more thing. I don't hear you. You're quiet, can I buy a vowel?